Zimbabwe Absurdity

I went into my local bank last Friday to draw out the maximum in cash that I was allowed, 5 billion local dollars (about 125 US dollars), or so I thought. Nope, sorry the maximum has been reduced to 1 billion (we seem have to adopted the US “standard” of 1000 million to a billion). And no, the new notes were not available either. I have since seen the new 50 million note which looks a lot like the 5 million apart from the colour and the zeros which they have actually formatted: 50 000 000 which is much easier to read than 50000000!

We are in a curious situation in this country of going into a recount of the presidential elections without actually knowing the result of the first round. Note that this is different from going into a second round (which we were going to do) without knowing the results of the presidential election. It seems that this has all stemmed from the posting of the election results outside the polling stations as required by SADCC standards for a free and fair election (SADCC = Southern African Development Co-ordination Conference). Now I must admit that as far as I could see the actual polling process WAS free and fair. There were more observers in the polling station that I went to than people waiting to vote. It was all orderly and surprisingly low key. I can only think that the ruling party were so confident of a clear win that they thought there was no need to fiddle anything. Oops. Now of course they are in a corner and not at all sure what to do about it. If Africa is really serious about being taken seriously (permanent seat on the UN security council etc.) it should be serious about sorting out the whole sorry mess.

It seems that the nation is undergoing a collective holding of breath as getting anything done or committments made is just about impossible. Businesses have slowed right down and we seem to be on hold and event the parallel market currency rate seems to have stalled. We are all getting tired of headlining on the international news too. One of the farmers who shares my premises commented to me yesterday that he was so tired of seeing Zimbabwe elections on the various news channels that he was rather glad to have a power cut yesterday so he would not be obliged to watch!

A customer called in earlier this week and amongst other things we discussed the growing of tobacco seedlings. She’d missed growing the crop for this season but was keen to “have a go” next season. So I asked what type of tobacco she wanted to grow, was it burley or virginia? She didn’t know. Well what did it look like? Big leaves. (Not too helpful). Was she going to cure it in a barn or outside. In a barn (so that makes it virginia). How much was she going to grow? 5 ha. Where was she going to grow it? Hwedza (an area that was particularly badly hit by the farm invasions). She asked how much seed she should get. I asked what the variety would be (depends on seed size). She didn’t know that. She asked me where she should get the seed (!) so I told her the Tobacco Research Board would be the place and she should get enough for 2ha (we are more efficient than the traditional seedbed method). I hope she has got the money to “have a go” – it could be an expensive experiment. Anyway, it looks like the future of Zimbabwe’s agriculture is assured with this level of “expertise” around!

I can remember as a child that we had a book called Tales from Long Ago (or something like that, hey, it WAS long ago) which basically drew on the myths and legends of the ancient Greeks and Romans. One that particularly caught my imagination was the story of Pandora’s Box. The book is still around somewhere and I still have an over active imagination but I’ll just rely on memory for the story which I think is relevant.

Pandora being the curious girl that she was found this amazing old chest and despite having been warned by various powers that be not to open it just could not control her curiosity. She was after all being tempted badly by all the voicies inside begging to be let out. So, she opened the chest and out poured all the nasty things of the world that bit and stung and insulted. You know, malice, hate, jealousy etc. Too late she slammed the lid down but the damage was done. She sat there and cried and muttered and then when she’d got over it all she heard another voice begging to be let out. No way was she going to fall for that one again! But the voice was so pleading and kind that she eventually gave up and thinking that she could not really do any more damage she let the “thing” out. It was beautiful and waiflike, without any definable form but it was indeed kindly. As it flew away she said; “Wait, what are you?” (there’s NOTHING to beat a woman’s curiousity!) and a gentle voice drifted back “I am Hope”.

For a while earlier this week we dared to hope.

I have just indulged myself with a  week’s trip to South Africa; mainly shopping but also to see some friends in the Jo’burg and Pretoria, one of whom is off to Australia because she sees no future for her sons in South Africa.

I am not particularly fond of shopping – it’s just a necessary evil to me. I must admit that it was satisfying to be able to go into a shop and be reasonably assured of getting what I wanted. Converting back to Zim dollars is of course meaningless and would be at best very depressing. What the hell; my mother had the philosophy that money was designed to be spent so I did her proud on the small luxuries; CD’s, breakfast cereal, Marmite etc.

I drove down to Pretoria, a trip of some 1100 km in one day and stayed with Megan who is off to Australia this Sunday. A perpetually cheerful character (she will live to be very old) she was in my horticulture under graduate class as university.  She is staying with a friend whom I vaguely recognized from varsity and 10 cats and 4 dogs. I am not overly fond of cats but will tolerate them but the smell from 10 cats all shitting and pissing in two kitty litters was a bit much. I also stayed with other Megan who was also in my undergrad class. She has done well for herself and is in senior management in on of the biggest fertilizer companies in South Africa. She just has one very large (75kg) boerbul (Afrikaans for “farm bull” although it’s a dog) that would not allow me to go to the toilet in the night! Her parents are retired and live next door and her mother kindly took me to a wholesale material warehouse. It suddenly struck me whilst we were driving what a contradiction South Africa is; yes, it is first world – the banks have money, there are the latest cars everywhere there are crowded freeways and the shopping centres (malls) are what you’d expect anywhere in the first world but… There is trash around, lots of it and the beggars are definitely third world. Dirty, really dirty and irritating.

Of course I knew when I was back in Zimbabwe when I went to get milk at the local supermarket yesterday. Bring your own containers and fill up from the 2000 litre bulk tank in the corner complete with refrigeration unit and instructions on how to clean and sterilize your containers. I remarked to a woman in the queue that there cannot be too many countries that shoppers keep there milk containers in excess of 8 months as I have done. Recycling? What’s that – we USE our old containers!

Being an atheist Easter means little to me. I do associate it with my mother’s death which was on the Thursday before Good Friday in 1992. I suppose I could look up the date but it is not that important. I think I’ll just have an early Easter egg and remember her fondly as the truly extraordinary woman that she was.

I pulled open my lower left desk drawer and wondered where to pack the next bricks of nearly worthless Zimbabwe dollars. Trouble was there was no space; it had all been taken by much more worthless (excuse the split infinitives) dollars. No, seriously, these were not even worth my time at the bank, they would not even count them and charge me for the privilege too! Most were even expired (yes, expired). I should explain that for the past 3 years or so we have been using “bearer cheques” which are essentially notes with expiry dates on them. They are not normally use in an open currency system but hell, we Zimbos are nothing if not ingenious. Then it came to me; there is a huge opportunity here in very high quality waste paper. Surely there must be thousands of people out there in the same situation? There has to be tonnes of the stuff around! Anyone out there know what can be done with very high quality wast paper – it even has the UV security flecks in it!

On Politics
As one wag put it recently: Bob’s biggest concern is that the election results will be leaked before the election!

On Inflation
It’s official; inflation is now over 100,000% p.a. And that’s according to the government satistics office which bases it’s figures largely on controlled price items (so much for the control). I saw that in Thursday’s Financial Gazette which commented that private figures put it at over 300,000%. I’m not too surprised. The street exchange rate for cash has gone from 6m to the US dollar on Monday to 11m yesterday.

On Loyalty
The government has reasoned not unreasonably that loyalty can and should be bought. I have it on good second hand authority that the presidential guard (who may be seen outside Bob’s Place with foliage on their heads) are getting one billion Zim dollars a week as cash. That’s OK by Zimbabwe standards.