Zimbabwe Absurdity

The geeks will recognize this as Blind Carbon Copy in Windows Outlook or some other mailing application. Yesterday as I was counting out the contents of my gym bag (Zimbabwean portable safe deposit box) I thought wistfully of the time Before Cash Counters, when we had real money, not Bearer Cheques, and there was a maximum of two zeros on any note and yes, we even had coins! All the same I was grateful for the technology that allowed me to count wages for 20 staff in all of half an hour.

 The wage negotiations had degenerated into the usual squabble at the beginning of this week. The NEC (National Employment Council) for Agriculture (the negotiating body between the employers and unions) could and would not give me an idea on what the new minimum wages were likely to be so we had to go our own way. There is only so much squabbling that I can put up with, even if I am part of it, so I readily agreed to 900 million local dollars a month which I suppose is around US$10. I did warn the labour that they might have to wait a few days while I sourced the cash as I am still only allowed to draw one billion (1,000,000,000) dollars a day from my corporate account and frequently the bank only has it in 200,000 dollar notes. As it turned out I had just enough in my gym bag for the 14.3 billion necessary. I had proposed paying half fortnightly so that the money would have considerably more value but they turned that one down. They’d rather have more physical cash in their hand at the end of the month that was actually worth less. They can draw a certain amount of cash half way through the month and it is deducted directly from the wage but somehow this is different. I did not press the point.

 Oh, and the cash counter cost 50 million two years back – which is 50 of the current dollars!

It has not been a great week. First the immersion steamer we use to sterilize seedling trays stopped working. This morning the slow puncture in my truck’s right rear tyre was in need of attention but my compressor was not working properly. And the day/date facility on my watch packed up just one month outside the warranty period. So like any good Zimbabwean farmer I set about fixing. The immersion heater pump control was by-passed with a simple switch. The compressor is up and running again but I have to admit I don’t know how I did it as I could not see anything obviously wrong in the pressure switch.. The tyre will have to wait as the place that repairs punctures  did not have any electricity to power the machine that gets the tyre off (the attendants were not impressed by my suggestion to do it the old-fashioned way).

We are resourceful largely because we have to be in order to keep going. Spares are often not available or are prohibitively expensive. This was the case a few years ago when the automatic seed sowing machine broke down. I phoned the manufacturer in Durban and asked how I could service the pneumatic valves that drove everything. No, apparently it could not be done. Watch me I thought. The machine eventually stopped some four years later and all it took was a bit of ingenuity and some rubber grease.

The spares situation is only going to get worse in the short-term. The Reserve Bank has plundered the FCA’s (foreign currency accounts) of exporters yet again and have no means of paying them back. Perhaps it went towards paying for a certain shipment of arms, who knows? Private FCA’s have not been touched, yet, but anything is possible, even the government can be resourceful. Their next gambit may well the Indigenisation Act which will enable them to acquire a controlling interest of any company they choose. It has been on the cards for some time now but is creeping closer to reality. They are probably after the big companies who may actually have something left to acquire. I have it on excellent authority that the  company that is franchised to supply Coca-Cola to the masses is taking it very seriously indeed and will close down if there is so much as a hint of intent their way.

I was chatting to a customer last Saturday and asked him what his business was and how it was going. Signage and terrible was the reply. It seems that there are just not many companies left interested in any form of advertising. Chatting to another customer this morning she mentioned that a South African economist had commented that Zimbabwe and the “situation” would continue as long as there is private money invested and people are just too resourceful at keeping it all together. Maybe this Indigenisation Act will be the final nail (not sure how many nails this coffin will take) but I wouldn’t bet on it. We are just too resourceful!

I went into my local bank last Friday to draw out the maximum in cash that I was allowed, 5 billion local dollars (about 125 US dollars), or so I thought. Nope, sorry the maximum has been reduced to 1 billion (we seem have to adopted the US “standard” of 1000 million to a billion). And no, the new notes were not available either. I have since seen the new 50 million note which looks a lot like the 5 million apart from the colour and the zeros which they have actually formatted: 50 000 000 which is much easier to read than 50000000!

We are in a curious situation in this country of going into a recount of the presidential elections without actually knowing the result of the first round. Note that this is different from going into a second round (which we were going to do) without knowing the results of the presidential election. It seems that this has all stemmed from the posting of the election results outside the polling stations as required by SADCC standards for a free and fair election (SADCC = Southern African Development Co-ordination Conference). Now I must admit that as far as I could see the actual polling process WAS free and fair. There were more observers in the polling station that I went to than people waiting to vote. It was all orderly and surprisingly low key. I can only think that the ruling party were so confident of a clear win that they thought there was no need to fiddle anything. Oops. Now of course they are in a corner and not at all sure what to do about it. If Africa is really serious about being taken seriously (permanent seat on the UN security council etc.) it should be serious about sorting out the whole sorry mess.

It seems that the nation is undergoing a collective holding of breath as getting anything done or committments made is just about impossible. Businesses have slowed right down and we seem to be on hold and event the parallel market currency rate seems to have stalled. We are all getting tired of headlining on the international news too. One of the farmers who shares my premises commented to me yesterday that he was so tired of seeing Zimbabwe elections on the various news channels that he was rather glad to have a power cut yesterday so he would not be obliged to watch!

A customer called in earlier this week and amongst other things we discussed the growing of tobacco seedlings. She’d missed growing the crop for this season but was keen to “have a go” next season. So I asked what type of tobacco she wanted to grow, was it burley or virginia? She didn’t know. Well what did it look like? Big leaves. (Not too helpful). Was she going to cure it in a barn or outside. In a barn (so that makes it virginia). How much was she going to grow? 5 ha. Where was she going to grow it? Hwedza (an area that was particularly badly hit by the farm invasions). She asked how much seed she should get. I asked what the variety would be (depends on seed size). She didn’t know that. She asked me where she should get the seed (!) so I told her the Tobacco Research Board would be the place and she should get enough for 2ha (we are more efficient than the traditional seedbed method). I hope she has got the money to “have a go” – it could be an expensive experiment. Anyway, it looks like the future of Zimbabwe’s agriculture is assured with this level of “expertise” around!

I can remember as a child that we had a book called Tales from Long Ago (or something like that, hey, it WAS long ago) which basically drew on the myths and legends of the ancient Greeks and Romans. One that particularly caught my imagination was the story of Pandora’s Box. The book is still around somewhere and I still have an over active imagination but I’ll just rely on memory for the story which I think is relevant.

Pandora being the curious girl that she was found this amazing old chest and despite having been warned by various powers that be not to open it just could not control her curiosity. She was after all being tempted badly by all the voicies inside begging to be let out. So, she opened the chest and out poured all the nasty things of the world that bit and stung and insulted. You know, malice, hate, jealousy etc. Too late she slammed the lid down but the damage was done. She sat there and cried and muttered and then when she’d got over it all she heard another voice begging to be let out. No way was she going to fall for that one again! But the voice was so pleading and kind that she eventually gave up and thinking that she could not really do any more damage she let the “thing” out. It was beautiful and waiflike, without any definable form but it was indeed kindly. As it flew away she said; “Wait, what are you?” (there’s NOTHING to beat a woman’s curiousity!) and a gentle voice drifted back “I am Hope”.

For a while earlier this week we dared to hope.

I have just indulged myself with a  week’s trip to South Africa; mainly shopping but also to see some friends in the Jo’burg and Pretoria, one of whom is off to Australia because she sees no future for her sons in South Africa.

I am not particularly fond of shopping – it’s just a necessary evil to me. I must admit that it was satisfying to be able to go into a shop and be reasonably assured of getting what I wanted. Converting back to Zim dollars is of course meaningless and would be at best very depressing. What the hell; my mother had the philosophy that money was designed to be spent so I did her proud on the small luxuries; CD’s, breakfast cereal, Marmite etc.

I drove down to Pretoria, a trip of some 1100 km in one day and stayed with Megan who is off to Australia this Sunday. A perpetually cheerful character (she will live to be very old) she was in my horticulture under graduate class as university.  She is staying with a friend whom I vaguely recognized from varsity and 10 cats and 4 dogs. I am not overly fond of cats but will tolerate them but the smell from 10 cats all shitting and pissing in two kitty litters was a bit much. I also stayed with other Megan who was also in my undergrad class. She has done well for herself and is in senior management in on of the biggest fertilizer companies in South Africa. She just has one very large (75kg) boerbul (Afrikaans for “farm bull” although it’s a dog) that would not allow me to go to the toilet in the night! Her parents are retired and live next door and her mother kindly took me to a wholesale material warehouse. It suddenly struck me whilst we were driving what a contradiction South Africa is; yes, it is first world – the banks have money, there are the latest cars everywhere there are crowded freeways and the shopping centres (malls) are what you’d expect anywhere in the first world but… There is trash around, lots of it and the beggars are definitely third world. Dirty, really dirty and irritating.

Of course I knew when I was back in Zimbabwe when I went to get milk at the local supermarket yesterday. Bring your own containers and fill up from the 2000 litre bulk tank in the corner complete with refrigeration unit and instructions on how to clean and sterilize your containers. I remarked to a woman in the queue that there cannot be too many countries that shoppers keep there milk containers in excess of 8 months as I have done. Recycling? What’s that – we USE our old containers!

Being an atheist Easter means little to me. I do associate it with my mother’s death which was on the Thursday before Good Friday in 1992. I suppose I could look up the date but it is not that important. I think I’ll just have an early Easter egg and remember her fondly as the truly extraordinary woman that she was.

I pulled open my lower left desk drawer and wondered where to pack the next bricks of nearly worthless Zimbabwe dollars. Trouble was there was no space; it had all been taken by much more worthless (excuse the split infinitives) dollars. No, seriously, these were not even worth my time at the bank, they would not even count them and charge me for the privilege too! Most were even expired (yes, expired). I should explain that for the past 3 years or so we have been using “bearer cheques” which are essentially notes with expiry dates on them. They are not normally use in an open currency system but hell, we Zimbos are nothing if not ingenious. Then it came to me; there is a huge opportunity here in very high quality waste paper. Surely there must be thousands of people out there in the same situation? There has to be tonnes of the stuff around! Anyone out there know what can be done with very high quality wast paper – it even has the UV security flecks in it!